Ask The Rabbi 
8 May 1999 
Issue #236
Parshat Behar / Bechukosai 
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This publication is available in HTML format at 
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Researched at Ohr Somayach, Jerusalem 
This Issue Contains: 
1. Food Fight			4. Judging Others
2. About Face			5. Yiddle Riddle
3. Kaddish: Eleven or Twelve?	6. Public Domain 
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___Food Fight___

Name@Withheld from France wrote:

Dear Rabbi,

I would like your own point of view about this "anecdote."  It's Friday, 
early in the afternoon, a son talks to his mother over the phone, telling 
her he won't be able to come to her place for Shabbat dinner, and asks her 
if he can come to pick up one challah (bread) for his Shabbat at his place 
where he lives with his wife and baby.  The mother had baked two challahs, 
and the son only asks for one.  She replies:  "No, because I need two 
challahs in order to say the blessing (according to the rules)."  So she 
won't give her son one because of this, and of course the son has no 
challahs at all for his Shabbat.

Question:  Was she right?  Would not it have been better in this situation 
to skip the "do it by the book" aspect, and to show her love to the son by 
giving him one challah?  Thank you very much for your reply.

************

Dear Name@Withheld,

	It's a mitzvah on Shabbat to say the blessing over two whole loaves 
of bread.  Many use braided challah loaves, but any whole loaves (kosher, 
of course) will do.  In our home, we sometimes use matzah.  (Did you ever 
see braided matzah?)

	Now, assuming the son had other food, it wasn't a question of his 
going hungry.  Rather, he wanted the mitzvah of enjoying a proper Shabbat 
meal, and to say the blessing over one whole challah loaf, at least.

	Should the mother give away her mitzvah of having two whole loaves in 
order that the son be able to have the mitzvah of having at least one whole 
loaf?

	Strictly speaking, one doesn't have to give up one's own mitzvah in 
order to allow the other person to do a mitzvah.  But bringing peace and 
harmony among people, especially among family members, is a very great 
mitzvah, so there's a strong case to be made against the mother.

	But are there any other relevant details?  For example, is this the 
first time the son canceled out on his mother at the last minute?  Does she 
get the feeling that he takes advantage of her goodness and love?  Without 
hearing, first-hand, both sides of the story, it's difficult to give a 
definitive answer to your question.

	Relationships flourish when each person focuses on his obligations to 
the other person.  But when each person focuses on the other person's 
obligations to him, relationships falter.


___About Face___

Jonathan from Silver Spring, MD <tetrisiz@yahoo.com> wrote:

Dear Rabbi,

We recently received a wedding invitation and it said:  "Two O'clock in the 
afternoon, Kabalat Panim."  What is "Kabalat Panim?"

************1

Dear Jonathan,

	Kabalat Panim literally means "receiving of the faces."  In plain 
English it means "reception."  It refers to the reception before the actual 
chupa (wedding ceremony), when the bride and groom and families receive the 
guests.

	Have a good time at the wedding!


___Kaddish: Eleven or Twelve?___

Gerdy Trachtman <gerdyt@erols.com> wrote:

Dear Rabbi,

Is there any halachic basis for the kaddish (mourners' prayer) to be said 
11 months for a deceased parent?  Some people say it for 12 months.  Please 
give me the textual sources for this difference.  Thank you very much.

************

Dear Gerdy Trachtman,

	The Talmudic Sages teach that the maximum that a very wicked person 
is punished in the afterlife in gehinom is 12 months.  The public 
recitation of kaddish shields the departed soul from this punishment.  
Hence, kaddish is recited during the first year after a parent's passing.

	However, the custom is to recite kaddish for 11 months only.  Saying 
kaddish the entire 12 months would give the impression that the deceased 
was a very wicked person who needs protection the entire 12 months.

	So, unless the parent specifically requested it, or unless it's known 
that the parent was a willful transgressor, kaddish is said for only 11 
months.

Sources:

* Gesher HaChaim
* P'nei Baruch


___Judging Others___

Beth from New Jersey wrote:

Dear Rabbi,

I have been working on my observance of lashon hara (negative speech) and 
judging others favorably, with limited results.  Do you have any 
suggestions?

Of course the ideal would be to become spiritually wonderful (and the 
aversion to gossip would come by itself).  But, I know that, sometimes, the 
action has to be forced, and the feelings come later.  I just need some 
tips on the forcing!  I have found that, sometimes, the best way to get rid 
of a bad habit is to sneak up on it.

If anyone has anything that they found worked, I would love to hear 
it!  Thanks for your time!

************

Dear Beth,

	Let's let Rabbi Akiva answer your question.  Yes, it's the old "drip 
on the rock" theory.  Rabbi Akiva realized at age forty that just as a 
sustained trickle of water can carve rock, so too sustained Torah study can 
change our heart.  Solid change can be achieved with constant, daily, 
study.  So, study works about negative speech and judging favorably every 
day  (Examples:  "The Other Side of the Story," "Courtrooms of the Mind" 
and "A Lesson a Day").  Even a few minutes a day will, over the course of 
time, create a change in you.

	And don't forget to judge yourself favorably too.  Be happy with any 
change, no matter how incremental.

	If you find yourself speaking negatively with certain friends, you 
may need to get different friends.  Avoiding people, places and situations 
that trigger forbidden activity is great way to change one's behavior.

	Here's a stratagem to help you feel positive even towards people who 
annoy you:  When you see someone doing something that bothers you, and you 
think to yourself "What an obnoxious boor," imagine the person as a little 
baby.  Picture his mother's unqualified love for him and her joy as she 
holds him in her arms.  Now try to feel a little bit of that love.

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Yiddle Riddle

Last week we asked:

	"My son is beginning to learn Hebrew, and he knows all the letters.  
But he makes mistakes with the vowels, and with knowing where the words 
begin and end.  For example, the other day he was reading from the Chumash, 
and he came across a phrase that he translated into English as `Who? Who? 
Who? Who? What?'  What verse was he reading?"

Answer:

	Exodus 13:10 states:  "You shall observe this statute in its 
designated time `mi'yamim yamima' -- from year to year."  "Mi'yamim 
yamima," is spelled with the Hebrew letters "mem yud mem yud mem" and "yud 
mem yud mem hey."  Breaking up this phrase incorrectly, and reading every 
two letters as a separate word, you get "mem yud" spelling "mi" (who) four 
times, followed by mem hey" spelling "mah" (what).

* Riddle courtesy of Kol Simcha 103.5 FM, Friday mornings in English from 
9:30am - 1:00pm

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The Public Domain
Comments, quibbles, and reactions 
concerning previous "Ask-the-Rabbi" features

	Yours is one of the best emails that I get.  Look forward to it each 
week.

* David Fihrer <fihrer@interlog.com>

	I have no questions for you at this time; only a word of thanks.  I 
stumbled upon your web site while looking for the words to a specific 
prayer and have now book-marked the site.  I am greatly enjoying and 
learning from my perusal of the questions and answers provided, and look 
forward to receiving your newsletter.  Many thanks for this wonderful 
service!

* Jodi Fox, Chicago, Ill <jodi@get-shrunk.com>

**********

Re:  Anorexia (www.ohrnet.org/ask/ask233.htm#Q1):

	This is in response to your letter to the parents whose daughter has 
anorexia.  I had a daughter who had anorexia but thank G-d she is fully 
recovered.  Anorexia is an adolescent's response to gain control over a 
situation where she feels out of control.  While an anorexic feels hopeless 
to control most things in her life, the one thing she can control is the 
amount of food she eats and this, in a sense, gives her a sense of 
empowerment.  Anorexics are perfectionists.  The only way to end this cycle 
of inappropriate empowerment is with intensive psychotherapy where the 
anorexic can regain a sense of self worth.  The other thing I want to say 
is that the last thing these parents should talk to their daughter about is 
food.  Parents find it very difficult to just sit there while their child 
starves themselves.  Yet, discussions about food just get anorexics very 
upset, and give them an excuse to eat less.  Parents, who have daughters 
with this condition, must learn to give up some parental control and let 
the experts deal with this condition.  If you wish, you can give these 
parents my e-mail address.  For the sake of my daughter's privacy, please 
do not use my name.

* Name@Withheld

	Please forward this message to the family who wrote about their 
anorexic daughter.  They (and their daughter) will find the works of Rav 
Avraham Twersky, shlita, to be of enormous help.  I especially suggest 
"Living Each Day."  This is a yoman (daily calendar) with inspirational 
quotations from various Jewish works.

	I am personally recovering from this debilitating disease and its 
closely related cousins: Compulsive overeating and bulimia.

	You all do very important work.  May Hashem grant you all continued 
success in your outreach and educational efforts.

* Name@Withheld


The family responds:

Dear Rabbi, 

	My heart is full of "thank-yous" for your kindness in attempting to 
help me with my daughter's problem of anorexia.  It was so nice to hear 
from the many kind people who wrote to you to respond to my pleas.  Thank 
you for forwarding to me all their messages.  I am in the process of 
answering every person who e-mailed me, and if you get any more responses 
it is with my permission that you give them my e-mail address so they can 
contact me directly.  Again, Rabbi, many thanks!
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